Hopes dashed and one step further away from my dream. Goodnight world, tomorrow will be better. (yes no maybe)
I know I am a very lousy gf, thou you wouldn’t agree with me and I could totally imagine you nagging again. But I have to say this. I really think I am very hard to deal with, most of the time. I often put myself in your shoes and boy, what a hard time I would have had. I might have just dumped the girl tbh haha. I know I am weird (ok, different), but at times like this, I would rather you not to be involved because I wouldn’t want to put you in a difficult position. You have to crack your brains to attempt to make me feel slightly happier or less sian/sad but most of the time I don’t really give a very positive response. But you never give up. I don’t quite know how to put what I feel in words. Whatever it is, I still don’t want to drag you down.
Some people I know will see this. So here goes.. I am very thankful and appreciative of all the kind words I received since the moment I opened my eyes this morning. I know you guys truly wished me well and always encourage me not to be disheartened and all. I am glad for my friends who have improved. Your hard work paid off. It’s gona be better in the upcoming semesters.
As for me, I don’t quite know what I should be feeling. I kind of foresaw this day coming, yet I think somewhere inside still secretly wished I could do a tad better than the previous semester, because I know I definitely put in more effort this semester. But, what’s new. I am sick of hearing and telling myself that things will get better. I am sick of believing tbh. I know I shouldn’t be feeling this. Am I sad? I don’t know. Maybe very mixed feelings. Disappointment, fatigue, melancholy. I think I have been staying quite strong and positive at times like this, no? Sometimes I just want to have some time alone to think through and just be sad or whatsoever. Fortunately/Unfortunately today is the start of my internship, so I had no choice but to put everyth behind me and face the world with a smile. At times I also wondered how I did it. But I guess growing up, becoming an adult also means masking your emotions better and do the right things at the right time because the world doesn’t revolve around you. There needs to be some kind of restraint, self-imposed. That’s how things work.
I don’t really know what is the point of typing down all these, maybe it’s a form of monologue, to make myself feel better. It’s not easy to always face the world with a smile, but we don’t exactly have a choice. I know everyone meant well.
But, I am tired because I tried, and nothing worked. If I get over this, it means I forced myself to put everyth behind, unwillingly. And get into the same delusion that everyth will only get better. It won’t. Time and time again.
I do have a right to feel this way. Right?
When everyone is busy with their lives and you are busy making stuff/writing letters to them, is it worth the while? Self-mockery (lol)
Worst struggle ever.
Such is screwed up life. Don’t really feel like making an effort anymore. Giveup. But feel so guilty
